trochek's writing services | college essays, prompts, MC scripts/storylines, blogs |
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Sometimes less is more. If you want advice, read the spoiler. Good luck either way.
Warning, this will probably trigger you.
Warning, this will probably trigger you.
It's probably pointless for me to do this, but I felt like doing it so I did. Am I annoying for doing this? Probably. Do I care? Not really.
Brutally honest criticism, if the rest of this doesn't offend you then this surely will.
Fixed: Hey! My name is Derrick and I'm a twenty-year old college student studying Psychology.
This removes the constant breaks in your writing while removing unnecessary details from your introduction. The years you've been in college is irrelevant as is your desired career path unless it's a profession that is closely tied to writing.
Fixed: While I may be a Psychology major, I have an extensive background in content management and a strong passion for writing.
This does a better job of transitioning from your previous sentence while cutting out the awkward word choice you used previously.
Fixed: When I'm not busy with school, I'm often working out at the gym or following my passion for writing. Hard work is something I've always valued and I reflect that value by using my time efficiently in every outlet of my life.
This does a good job of explaining that you enjoy "working as much as possible" while putting more emphasis on the two hobbies that are more purposeful.
Fixed: I hope this brief introduction gave you an idea of what my work ethic is like. I'm looking forward to working with you and thank you for considering my services.
This removes the awkward word choice and changes the meaning of the sentence to what you originally intended.
Fixed: First off, I'm capable of completing a variety of writing-related projects. Whether it be formal or informal writing, I'm the man for the job. I often use my psychology major to better express myself in my writing which gives me a competitive edge when compared to similar service providers.
Fixed: Outside of any professional projects, I'm also willing to help with school projects. Need an essay written? Hire me and I'll return a high-quality product in a timely manner with any specifics details you provide me included. There are things I'm capable of outside of just this, contact me on Discord for further details.
This just makes it more concise and to the point.
Fixed: When it comes to pricing, I don't want to overcomplicate things. My current pricing (regardless of project type) is 0.035 cents per word. I'm always willing to negotiate the pricing some depending on the scenario, but the only payment methods I'm willing to accept are Cash App and Venmo.
Fixes the poor word choice, removes unnecessary sentences, and is once again more concise.
Brutally honest criticism, if the rest of this doesn't offend you then this surely will.
The way you write makes it seem like English isn't your first language. If you're selling a writing service then you should proofread your own writing. It honestly kind of seems like you aren't really that passionate about writing and just wanted to make some money and chose this as it was something that you were relatively capable of. I don't particularly like to write and I flunked English in college so if even I can see the flaws in this then someone as passionate about writing as yourself surely should. If I had you write an English paper for me I'm almost certain I'd fail miserably and my teacher would probably think I wrote the paper at midnight after taking a few shots.
Having the word "and" in your sentence too many times breaks up the flow. One of the key tenets of effective writing is to stay on message, adding fluff to sound more professional will just hurt the end product.
Fixed: Hey! My name is Derrick and I'm a twenty-year old college student studying Psychology.
This removes the constant breaks in your writing while removing unnecessary details from your introduction. The years you've been in college is irrelevant as is your desired career path unless it's a profession that is closely tied to writing.
Make sure you aren't choosing difficult words for the sake of sounding professional, it makes you sound like a preteen applying to be staff on a Minecraft server.
Fixed: While I may be a Psychology major, I have an extensive background in content management and a strong passion for writing.
This does a better job of transitioning from your previous sentence while cutting out the awkward word choice you used previously.
Listing your hobbies is fine if they correspond to the product you're selling. Fishing isn't relevant to your product nor your university focus and the reader would be better off not knowing you enjoy to fish. Writing is a good thing to put here, but you say "of course writing" which just sounds wrong when you read the sentence aloud. Your final hobby is "working as much as possible" which is by no means a hobby and instead you should have just finished with the fact you enjoy going to the gym as it shows that you're a hard worker.
Fixed: When I'm not busy with school, I'm often working out at the gym or following my passion for writing. Hard work is something I've always valued and I reflect that value by using my time efficiently in every outlet of my life.
This does a good job of explaining that you enjoy "working as much as possible" while putting more emphasis on the two hobbies that are more purposeful.
This whole part is completely unnecessary in your background, but I'll include it anyways. Read what you write just as your reader will. When writing, you often think you did something right but only notice the mistake after looking at it again. I'm pretty sure you meant to say "looking forward" rather than just "looking" here.
Fixed: I hope this brief introduction gave you an idea of what my work ethic is like. I'm looking forward to working with you and thank you for considering my services.
This removes the awkward word choice and changes the meaning of the sentence to what you originally intended.
"To take the straight to the point" is a clear mistake that could have been avoided via proof reading. Being a "psychological writer" is not a thing. Being an emotional or expressive writer is, but not psychological.
Fixed: First off, I'm capable of completing a variety of writing-related projects. Whether it be formal or informal writing, I'm the man for the job. I often use my psychology major to better express myself in my writing which gives me a competitive edge when compared to similar service providers.
This is one of the better written parts, there are very few improvements to make.
Fixed: Outside of any professional projects, I'm also willing to help with school projects. Need an essay written? Hire me and I'll return a high-quality product in a timely manner with any specifics details you provide me included. There are things I'm capable of outside of just this, contact me on Discord for further details.
This just makes it more concise and to the point.
"I do not want to overcomplicate you" doesn't sound right at all. Something like "I don't want to overcomplicate things" would work better. The second sentence should be removed completely as it just repeats what you said before. At the end you said "if there's some wiggle more" which is again something that can be solved via proofreading.
Fixed: When it comes to pricing, I don't want to overcomplicate things. My current pricing (regardless of project type) is 0.035 cents per word. I'm always willing to negotiate the pricing some depending on the scenario, but the only payment methods I'm willing to accept are Cash App and Venmo.
Fixes the poor word choice, removes unnecessary sentences, and is once again more concise.
Always a place to put something like this and this would be in my DMs. Nonetheless, appreciate the criticism
