~ How To Care For Baby Turtles ~
Hi Minecraft Market, through this whole article, I would like to address that I fully understand that I am better than you in every way, shape and form because I have baby turtles. This is my hobby/life, so that is how it applies to MCM! Let's start, because lets be honest.. you know nothing.
What to expect the first few weeks of owning a baby turtle.
Owning turtles may seem fun, but they are much like a teenager in many aspects. Baby turtles are very suicidal, they are always trying to find ways to kill themselves, and I am always having to stop it, and have a deep and heart-full conversation with them to see the root of their problems, address and solve it. They will jump out of your hands, and try and hit the ground as hard as they can make their small ass body splatter, or they will try and wedge themselves under the filter for days, making you worried sick. Not only that, in the beginning, they hate you for some reason. They think that not eating will make you upset (which it fucking does). In the first week of owning a baby turtle, I cried over the tank for endless hours pondering why my turtle have to be like dat. Eventually they realize their tiny stomachs are going to crawl out of their depressed body and eat them alive while they beg for mercy if they don't fucking eat, so they eventually do.
The purpose of owning baby turtles.
Many ask me the same, and ridiculous question.. "why do you own baby turtles", and that question is very simple to answer.. racing. Every year I travel to North Korea to race Kim Jong-un in the annual baby turtle races, and I beat his flat ass every year. My baby turtles are trained to race, and have the continuous look of death in their eyes.
Baby turtles are also a great source of comedy. Baby turtles have no sense of logic, and think that scraping against their tank for endless hours will get them out.. hahah turtles.. believe me.. only Joaquin "El Chapo can escape from that tank.
What to feed your turtle.
Turtles are human beings like us, and need to be fed properly. Only feed your turtle quality fast food, or you may risk having a unhealthy and disrespectful relationship with your turtle. If you decide to be a basic ass parent to your turtle, you can feed him insect pellets, but don't be shocked when your turtle gives you looks of sass and disrespect, and you wake up being smothered with a pillow by your turtle.
How to exercise your turtle:
Turtles need to be exercised daily, or you may risk having an obese turtle. I recommend racing your turtle on the treadmill for 5 hours a day. You will always win, so it will show who is the pack leader, and who they must follow and respect. Giving your turtle the occasional "hah, fuck you I am faster" or "I aint raisin no loser" comment will increase your turtles motivation by 25% each time.
Turtle Cleaning:
Like all of us, our bodies get dirty. Turtles need to be cleaned daily with a toothbrush. Using your own tooth brush will increase the deep relationship you have with your turtle, making you one with your turtle. Always scrub behind the ear sockets, and in the skins. Do not use boiling water because turtle will die, please trust me on that because I have had much experience. Using soap is okay, but sticky things like soda is better because it sticks to all the dirt on their shell, and when you scrap the soda off, it will take all the dirt with it. Never use bleach, or the dish washer, that is for clothes and dishes ONLY, again, please trust me on that. Using the toothbrush, scrap and brush the plaque off their shells, leaving them clean. If your turtle seems upset or irritated, just tell it "Shh" it will make it stop. If it is irritated, it is not from cleaning, it is because you do not have a good relationship with your turtle.
Turtle Tricks:
Turtles are very smart humans, and can learn tricks very easily. My baby turtles know the following tricks: lay, sit, stare, breathe, eat and sleep, without me even needing to be there. Since I am a professional, my turtles know these tricks, so don't be discouraged if you can't get your turtles to do this. If your turtle does not do this, just keeping buying new turtles until one does, the odds are in your favor.
Turtle Petting:
Turtle petting is a skill you have to practice daily, and always think about! To pet a turtle correctly, follow these steps! 1) Put turtle in hand 2) Use your hand to feel the turtle all over, as if you were rolling play doe 3) Practice it again. Once you practice it enough, you should eventually become "okay at it", obviously you won't be as good as me on it because I am a turtle professional, unlike you. Studies by myself show that you should pet your turtle the way I suggest at least 15 times a day, in multiples of 3.
Turtle Halloween Costume Ideas:
Turtles are human beings like us, and enjoy to celebrate Halloween! The following are some good costume ideas for turtles! - You are welcome in advance!
- A leaf
- A dust
- A crum
- A turtle
- Jesus
- A big turtle
- A bug
Every turtle parent hates to admit it, but we want our turtles (the real children) to get jobs, so we can retire MCM early and have a peaceful life. You are going to need to help get your turtle a job, which can be quite tricky. Here is how:
You will need a good resume.
Resume: Your turtle is going to need a resume. Attached below is my turtles resume, feel free to take notes.
Resume: Click HERE
This resume can give your turtle a job such as a Congress Turtle, (who can fight for the racism against turtles), to a McDonald's worker.
If your turtle does not get a resume like my turtles, good luck retiring MCM and having a financially safe future.
How to teach your turtle to be quiet.
Every turtle parent knows that having turtle children will mean having a noisy house. Turtle children are always playing their god awful "My Chemical Turtle", or "Blood on the Dance Turtle", and lets face it.. the walls vibrating with horrible music is never fun! Here is how to teach your turtle children to be quiet.
First off, have a deep conversation with your turtle, telling them how much their music is slowly dwindling your love/liking towards them. If that does not scare them into putting in some ear socket buds, then you can always use duct tape
How to Know This Turtle Advice is Credible:
Lately, people have been underestimating my turtle advice credibility. To prove I am credible, I am going to show you a screenshot of the CBS News article I was featured in! The author of this article is Kirby Enjoy!
What to Get Your Baby Turtle for Christmas!All turtle parents wonder the same thing each year.. "What should I get my lovely, amazing, better than real children, turtle for Christmas?", and my answer to that is... you are either a horrible turtle parent or just very uncreative - so either way, I am going to help you improve, and maybe be as good as me one day (lol, not possible).
Ideas for Turtle Christmas Presents:
- More Turtles
- Green Stuff
- Slimy Stuff
- Turtle Stuff
- Internet Access (They are starting to be teenagers, and they need their MySpace or BookFace, whatever it is these kids do these days!! )
- Small Hat
- New Heat Lamp
- Bedazzler for their shell (the thing that makes shiny plastic stones stick to stuff)
- The stuff that is the one thing that the turtle is that it sees when it is in that thing when you get it at the place where it is at the other place in the home of that guy - I think you know what I mean.
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading my article. I will keep this updated, and add to it often. This is a free guide to care for your beloved turtles, but consider donating to my turtle fund, so I can get them more shell buddies and quality fast food. Remember, turtles are human beings like us, and have equal rights, treat them with respect and dignity.
Turtle Fund: HERE - must be via friends and family or I will refund the donation.
For every donation of $2.00 USD, you will receive a picture of my turtle enjoying multiple acts, such as exercising, or typing a letter to congress. Thanks so much.
Disclaimer:
Anything I say in this article is not to be taken serious. The tips/care tactics can be very dangerous, and are not recommended. This is for comedy factors only.
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