This is pure garbage. Chinchillas are bae
Please teach me how to take care of DogeHi Minecraft Market, through this whole article, I would like to address that I fully understand that I am better than you in every way, shape and form because I have baby turtles. This is my hobby/life, so that is how it applies to MCM! Let's start, because lets be honest.. you know nothing.
Updated: 9/13/15
What to expect the first few weeks of owning a baby turtle.
Owning turtles may seem fun, but they are much like a teenager in many aspects. Baby turtles are very suicidal, they are always trying to find ways to kill themselves, and I am always having to stop it, and have a deep and heart-full conversation with them to see the root of their problems, address and solve it. They will jump out of your hands, and try and hit the ground as hard as they can make their small ass body splatter, or they will try and wedge themselves under the filter for days, making you worried sick. Not only that, in the beginning, they hate you for some reason. They think that not eating will make you upset (which it fucking does). In the first week of owning a baby turtle, I cried over the tank for endless hours pondering why my turtle have to be like dat. Eventually they realize their tiny stomachs are going to crawl out of their depressed body and eat them alive while they beg for mercy if they don't fucking eat, so they eventually do.
The purpose of owning baby turtles.
Many ask me the same, and ridiculous question.. "why do you own baby turtles", and that question is very simple to answer.. racing. Every year I travel to North Korea to race Kim Jong-un in the annual baby turtle races, and I beat his flat ass every year. My baby turtles are trained to race, and have the continuous look of death in their eyes.
Baby turtles are also a great source of comedy. Baby turtles have no sense of logic, and think that scraping against their tank for endless hours will get them out.. hahah turtles.. believe me.. only Joaquin "El Chapo can escape from that tank.
What to feed your turtle.
Turtles are human beings like us, and need to be fed properly. Only feed your turtle quality fast food, or you may risk having a unhealthy and disrespectful relationship with your turtle. If you decide to be a basic ass parent to your turtle, you can feed him insect pellets, but don't be shocked when your turtle gives you looks of sass and disrespect, and you wake up being smothered with a pillow by your turtle.
How to exercise your turtle.
Turtles need to be exercised daily, or you may risk having an obese turtle. I recommend racing your turtle on the treadmill for 5 hours a day. You will always win, so it will show who is the pack leader, and who they must follow and respect. Giving your turtle the occasional "hah, fuck you I am faster" or "I aint raisin no loser" comment will increase your turtles motivation by 25% each time.
Turtle Cleaning.
Like all of us, our bodies get dirty. Turtles need to be cleaned daily with a toothbrush. Using your own tooth brush will increase the deep relationship you have with your turtle, making you one with your turtle. Always scrub behind the ear sockets, and in the skins. Do not use boiling water because turtle will die, please trust me on that because I have had much experience. Using soap is okay, but sticky things like soda is better because it sticks to all the dirt on their shell, and when you scrap the soda off, it will take all the dirt with it. Never use bleach, or the dish washer, that is for clothes and dishes ONLY, again, please trust me on that. Using the toothbrush, scrap and brush the plaque off their shells, leaving them clean. If your turtle seems upset or irritated, just tell it "Shh" it will make it stop. If it is irritated, it is not from cleaning, it is because you do not have a good relationship with your turtle.
Turtle Tricks.
Turtles are very smart humans, and can learn tricks very easily. My baby turtles know the following tricks: lay, sit, stare, breathe, eat and sleep, without me even needing to be there. Since I am a professional, my turtles know these tricks, so don't be discouraged if you can't get your turtles to do this. If your turtle does not do this, just keeping buying new turtles until one does, the odds are in your favor.
Turtle Petting.
Turtle petting is a skill you have to practice daily, and always think about! To pet a turtle correctly, follow these steps! 1) Put turtle in hand 2) Use your hand to feel the turtle all over, as if you were rolling play doe 3) Practice it again. Once you practice it enough, you should eventually become "okay at it", obviously you won't be as good as me on it because I am a turtle professional, unlike you. Studies by myself show that you should pet your turtle the way I suggest at least 15 times a day, in multiples of 3.
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading my article. I will keep this updated, and add to it often. This is a free guide to care for your beloved turtles, but consider donating to my turtle fund, so I can get them more shell buddies and quality fast food. Remember, turtles are human beings like us, and have equal rights, treat them with respect and dignity.
Turtle Fund: Paypal "[email protected]". For every donation above $2, you will receive a picture of my turtle enjoying multiple acts, such as exercising, or typing a letter to congress. Thanks so much.
Images:
Turtles touching shells together! Big Turtle: Red Little Turtle: Keen
Red enjoying his new heat lamp I bought for him, even though I did not receive a thank you.. we were at a unhealthy relationship at the time, and I bought him the lamp to beg for his forgiveness. It worked. Turtles are premadonas.
VIDEOS COMING SOON!
Anything I say in this article is not to be taken serious. The tips/care tactics can be very dangerous, and are not recommended. This is for comedy factors only.
Ive actually owned 2 turtles for 2-4 yearsHi Minecraft Market, through this whole article, I would like to address that I fully understand that I am better than you in every way, shape and form because I have baby turtles. This is my hobby/life, so that is how it applies to MCM! Let's start, because lets be honest.. you know nothing.
Updated: 9/13/15
What to expect the first few weeks of owning a baby turtle.
Owning turtles may seem fun, but they are much like a teenager in many aspects. Baby turtles are very suicidal, they are always trying to find ways to kill themselves, and I am always having to stop it, and have a deep and heart-full conversation with them to see the root of their problems, address and solve it. They will jump out of your hands, and try and hit the ground as hard as they can make their small ass body splatter, or they will try and wedge themselves under the filter for days, making you worried sick. Not only that, in the beginning, they hate you for some reason. They think that not eating will make you upset (which it fucking does). In the first week of owning a baby turtle, I cried over the tank for endless hours pondering why my turtle have to be like dat. Eventually they realize their tiny stomachs are going to crawl out of their depressed body and eat them alive while they beg for mercy if they don't fucking eat, so they eventually do.
The purpose of owning baby turtles.
Many ask me the same, and ridiculous question.. "why do you own baby turtles", and that question is very simple to answer.. racing. Every year I travel to North Korea to race Kim Jong-un in the annual baby turtle races, and I beat his flat ass every year. My baby turtles are trained to race, and have the continuous look of death in their eyes.
Baby turtles are also a great source of comedy. Baby turtles have no sense of logic, and think that scraping against their tank for endless hours will get them out.. hahah turtles.. believe me.. only Joaquin "El Chapo can escape from that tank.
What to feed your turtle.
Turtles are human beings like us, and need to be fed properly. Only feed your turtle quality fast food, or you may risk having a unhealthy and disrespectful relationship with your turtle. If you decide to be a basic ass parent to your turtle, you can feed him insect pellets, but don't be shocked when your turtle gives you looks of sass and disrespect, and you wake up being smothered with a pillow by your turtle.
How to exercise your turtle.
Turtles need to be exercised daily, or you may risk having an obese turtle. I recommend racing your turtle on the treadmill for 5 hours a day. You will always win, so it will show who is the pack leader, and who they must follow and respect. Giving your turtle the occasional "hah, fuck you I am faster" or "I aint raisin no loser" comment will increase your turtles motivation by 25% each time.
Turtle Cleaning.
Like all of us, our bodies get dirty. Turtles need to be cleaned daily with a toothbrush. Using your own tooth brush will increase the deep relationship you have with your turtle, making you one with your turtle. Always scrub behind the ear sockets, and in the skins. Do not use boiling water because turtle will die, please trust me on that because I have had much experience. Using soap is okay, but sticky things like soda is better because it sticks to all the dirt on their shell, and when you scrap the soda off, it will take all the dirt with it. Never use bleach, or the dish washer, that is for clothes and dishes ONLY, again, please trust me on that. Using the toothbrush, scrap and brush the plaque off their shells, leaving them clean. If your turtle seems upset or irritated, just tell it "Shh" it will make it stop. If it is irritated, it is not from cleaning, it is because you do not have a good relationship with your turtle.
Turtle Tricks.
Turtles are very smart humans, and can learn tricks very easily. My baby turtles know the following tricks: lay, sit, stare, breathe, eat and sleep, without me even needing to be there. Since I am a professional, my turtles know these tricks, so don't be discouraged if you can't get your turtles to do this. If your turtle does not do this, just keeping buying new turtles until one does, the odds are in your favor.
Turtle Petting.
Turtle petting is a skill you have to practice daily, and always think about! To pet a turtle correctly, follow these steps! 1) Put turtle in hand 2) Use your hand to feel the turtle all over, as if you were rolling play doe 3) Practice it again. Once you practice it enough, you should eventually become "okay at it", obviously you won't be as good as me on it because I am a turtle professional, unlike you. Studies by myself show that you should pet your turtle the way I suggest at least 15 times a day, in multiples of 3.
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading my article. I will keep this updated, and add to it often. This is a free guide to care for your beloved turtles, but consider donating to my turtle fund, so I can get them more shell buddies and quality fast food. Remember, turtles are human beings like us, and have equal rights, treat them with respect and dignity.
Turtle Fund: Paypal "[email protected]". For every donation above $2, you will receive a picture of my turtle enjoying multiple acts, such as exercising, or typing a letter to congress. Thanks so much.
Images:
Turtles touching shells together! Big Turtle: Red Little Turtle: Keen
Red enjoying his new heat lamp I bought for him, even though I did not receive a thank you.. we were at a unhealthy relationship at the time, and I bought him the lamp to beg for his forgiveness. It worked. Turtles are premadonas.
VIDEOS COMING SOON!
Anything I say in this article is not to be taken serious. The tips/care tactics can be very dangerous, and are not recommended. This is for comedy factors only.
Yellow back i think 
